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Shame On You: What We Do to Women and How to Resist

ByDr. Z

Shame (noun) a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. Example “she was hot with shame.”- Oxford Languages

Dear Girl,

Welcome to the world! We’re so glad you’re here. 

Girl to girl, you are going to experience shame.  Part of this is generational.  Women have been told for thousands of years we are less than men.  

As an old white man, Clement of Alexandria, said, “Every woman should be filled with shame by the thought that she is a woman.”

You will experience shame as early as the ultrasound that reveals you are a girl. Your mom will experience humiliation from producing a girl and not giving your father a boy.

A baby holding her stuffed animal looking at the camera. Our RR movement is helping to pave the way for the younger girls who will grow up.

Girl to girl, you won’t believe all the ways and times you’ll be shamed for being female.  Let me give you some examples: 

  • Be a good girl.
  • Smile
  • Give Uncle Bernard a hug; sit on his lap.
  • Don’t raise your hand in class.
  • You’re so cute. You’re so beautiful. You’re hot.
  • You would be much more attractive if you lost weight, got bigger boobs, wore revealing clothes, obeyed, and/or [fill in the blank].
  • You’re a whore for wearing that.
This girl has her back turned from the camera while she's wearing angel wings and a white dress. Girls are told at a young age to be good little angels.
This woman is sitting on a bed in a corner, with her head down, holding her knees. Women are often taught to act smaller. Judgement placed on us is multifaceted.
  • Shrink yourself.
  • You want to become a doctor, an artist, president, or single and childless?  Shame on you.
  • At age 23, you’ve lost your appeal.
  • Shh
  • You asked for it. You shouldn’t have been drinking, or walked without an escort, or got an Uber alone, or went up to the room with him, or [fill in the blank].
  • Pick up my clothes, my dinner, my ego.
  • I don’t think so.
  • Did you say something?
  • You can’t be [fill in the blank].
  • Your uterus is no longer viable, so go away.
  • Buy every product and have every procedure to look young.
A woman stands with her midriff exposed, showing her stretchmarks with the words, Out of Order written across her stomach. The narrative is that a woman is useless when she can no longer reproduce.

I’m sorry I was the one who shared this with you. However, as a woman of a certain age, I felt it was my duty to let you know the kind of shit and shame you will have to endure.

NOW, know it doesn’t have to be this way.  I regret that I didn’t figure out that I can take back my power until my 50s. Please don’t wait that long.  You can give the middle finger to society. Let me count the ways:

  • Speak up
  • Raise your hand
  • Be you, Girl!
  • Don’t take shit
  • Wear big, baggy clothes or a tight dress with high heels because that’s what you want to do.
  • You are a goddess
  • Look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you.”
  • It wasn’t your fault.
  • Shout
Speak up and SHOUT
Be confident. Be you.
  • Be kind to each other.
  • Lean in when you have something to lean in about.
  • Dye your hair, get breast implants, lose weight…if you want.
  • You know it is not the outside that matters but the inside.
  • Be a badass bitch.
  • Shine your light.
  • Practice self-care, self-love, healing rituals.
  • Tell your story.  

As Maren Morris sings, “Baby girl, don’t hang your head low. Don’t lose your halo. Everyone’s gonna be okay, Baby girl.”

ONWARD!

Much love,
Dr. Z